Pune- In October, Samir Lakhe (name changed), a gay businessman from Pune who has not come out, was excited to meet a fellow gay man he matched with on the dating app Grindr. He invited his date to his home when his family members were out. Samir had beautified his home expecting intimate chat and sex. The date turned out to be a trans man who was looking for paid sex. The date asked for Rs 50,000, otherwise he would tell his family and housing society members that he is gay, and he would create a scene at his housing society. Samir, who is married with two kids, scared, paid him money.
Samir was not ready to approach the police. He shared his experience with fellow LGBTQ members at Mist LGBTQ Foundation, which works for the rights of community members in Pune.
“We convinced Samir to approach the police as the amount was huge. Finally, we went to the local police station, where police tracked the blackmailer and were able to recover the money. But Samir did not want to lodge an official complaint or FIR. He is married to a woman. His family, members of the housing society where he stays, and employees at his business are not aware that he is gay. He does not want anyone to know that he is gay, so he avoided lodging an official complaint,” said Suraj Raut, HR at Mist.
Official LGBTQ population in India is 2.5 million as per government of India’s affidavit to the Supreme Court. However, as per many surveys including Ipsos 2022 survey, the population of LGBTQ might be 135 million that is 10% of the total population.
In 2018, India’s Supreme Court, decriminalised consensual same sex by striking down Article 377 of Indian Penal Code, thus declaring consensual sex between same sex legal. Thus it affirmed that LGBTQ community is entitled to same constitutional rights like any other Indian. However, India’s SC refused to legalise same sex marriage through its judgement in 2023.
“Not even 1% of LGBTQ members come out in the open due to deep-rooted social stigma, discrimination, religious and cultural conservatism, and violence even from immediate family members. They are forced to socialize with heterosexuals and have to marry someone of the opposite sex. But deep down, they need to mingle with their community members to share their lives,” said Anil Ukrande, an activist working for the community through Yutak, an LGBTIQ organization based in Pune.
They don’t come out; they are married, have kids, or are posted at big corporations or government offices. Their family members, neighbors, and colleagues are not aware of their sexual orientation. But their need to meet and become intimate with same-sex partners remains high.
Dr. Mridula Apte, a clinical psychologist who runs Vidula Psychological Consultancy in Pune and who works with the community members as well, says, “Every human has needs for socialization and attachment. Everyone wants to be accepted and validated. Community members are often marginalized and remain invisible. The feeling that nobody accepts me or looks at me is a very horrible feeling. And then, whoever accepts them, maybe through dating, even though it is toxic, they start mingling, socializing, dating. And then instances like blackmailing, extortion, and sexual favors happen.”
Community members ideally should attend events of the community to meet fellow members, be social, and find partners for dating, and that is a healthy way. Though many organizations like ours host such events, they are limited to cities and are too few to cater to a population of millions. Besides, members who don’t come out don’t want to attend such events. In fact, they don’t want to be seen with members who have come out due to fear of social ostracization,” said Bindumadhav Khire, an LGBTQ+ activist and director of Bindu Queer Rights Foundation in Pune, who has been advocating for the rights of the community members for more than three decades.
He added, “Thus, they opt for finding dates at parties or dating apps and have no idea about the background, such as health status or, say, HIV status, of the people they are meeting. Thus, they get blackmailed and extorted and prefer not to go to the police. The number of victims approaching the police is less than 0.1% in such blackmailing cases. Here, we can only create awareness among community members for being alert and also create awareness among society to accept LGBTQ members.”
Suraj Raut, who is gay himself, says, “The Grindr app is for social networking and dating for LGBTQ members. Mostly, people look for hook-ups or sexual activities on this app, as anyone can create an account without a strict verification policy. If someone matches with another, they can meet within 2-3 hours, unlike other apps like Bumble, where one needs to wait for a minimum of 24 hours to get verified. There are other dating apps for the community members working in the same way as Grindr. Thus, members meet on these dating apps without knowing any details about a date they are going to meet.”
He added, “We receive many 4-5 such cases per week. Victims either invite dates to their homes or go to meet at places asked by that date. Many times, these places are isolated or dark, and gang members of that date are around. These criminals, whether they indulge in sexual activity or not, blackmail victims, asking for money and threatening that their gang is around. And victims generally pay. Only 1-2 out of 10 victims get ready to go to the police, and that too after we convince them. And even then, these victims are keen to do settlements outside court, just to get their money back and not to pursue the case further with the police to avoid regular visits to police stations and later court proceedings in order to protect their identity.”
Suraj himself experienced this blackmailing firsthand. “I was thinking of relocating to Delhi a few years ago. Hence, during one of the visits to Delhi, I matched with a date on the dating app. This guy asked me to meet near Connaught Place in Delhi, and when I reached, he started asking for money, threatening that his friends were nearby. I requested him to go to my hotel, as my friends were staying there. He realized that I had protection, and he left. By the time I went back to the app to raise a complaint, this account was deleted.”
This reporter sent an email to the Grindr app but received no reply. Hinge, another app, replied that it takes the utmost care that all its members are protected.
One of the police officials from Maharashtra said, “We have been receiving a few such complaints. We do track blackmailers and try to get money back in some cases. But in the majority of the cases, victims don’t want to lodge official complaints, visit police stations regularly, and fight the case in the courts, as they don’t want to be seen. We do correspond with these dating apps in case their offices are in India. If these dating apps are located outside, we cannot do anything.”
Anil Ukrande, who runs Yutak LGBTIQ, an organization for the rights of the community, says, “The number of community members getting cheated is much higher. We get 5-6 complaints per week. However, very few approach us, that too when the amount they lost is huge. And we have to convince them to go to the police. And even then, only one out of 10 gets ready to lodge official complaints. Others are just keen to get money back and not to escalate the issue.”
He says, “There is an issue with the police, who ask uncomfortable questions like why they are dating someone of the same sex or traumatize the victim more. There is a lack of sensitization among the police about the community. When NGOs like us approach the police, they take such complaints. If an individual community member approaches the police, he often gets disappointed.”
Dr. Mridula says, “Community members are even now not allowed to marry. However, to have a life partner is a common feeling. And for members to keep changing dates or partners is a heavy feeling. There is a need for same-sex marriage and their societal acceptance so that community members would not have to take risky paths.”
- Varsha Torgalkar is a Laadli Media Fellow. The opinions and views expressed are those of the author. Laadli and UNFPA do not necessarily endorse the views.
You can also join our WhatsApp group to get premium and selected news of The Mooknayak on WhatsApp. Click here to join the WhatsApp group.